Upsetting squares and making ladies moist 2003 - 2016
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My Aussie Fringe Blog

By Kunt from Kunt and the Gang

Hallo it’s Kunt here. Fuck knows how but I’ve ended up doing some shows in Australia. I’m here for nearly 2 months so I’m going to attempt to keep a regular blog going about it. I don’t hold out much hope though as I tried to keep a diary every year between the ages of 10 and 25 and never got past January the 8th.

28/02/2013
I’m in Adelaide. I got here yesterday. My mum bought me 3 new pairs of shorts for the trip because her friend told her it is Summer here and my old shorts had developed what my mum calls an ‘acid rain hole’ in the front of the crotch from me going commando. Needless to say when the plane touched down in Adelaide it was shitting down with rain.
Today was a bit nicer so I went to the beach. I had a little swim but then I thought about what happened to Steve Irwin, got scared and got out again.

A few weeks back I’d just sorted my visas for the Adelaide and Melbourne Festivals when I got an email from this bloke called Richard asking me if I’d be up for playing his mate Charles’s stag do… in Hong Kong. So I came to Australia via Hong Kong. I love it when a plan comes together.
Luckily my manager Mike’s 1993 conviction for stealing a wankmag from the all night garage by the Roundacre meant that he could not get a work visa and so is stuck in the flat in Basildon. He was threatening while I’m away that he would organise auditions for a Medway based Kunt and the Gang tribute act  – called Kent and the Gang.  

When I got to Hong Kong Richard met me at the airport and we got a cab to the hotel. Unbeknownst to me Richard had made the hotel reservation under the name ‘Disco Minge’ so it was a personal highlight for me to hear the bloke at reception ask in a Chinese accent “Which one of you is Mr. Minge?”

I ran a quick flannel round my pods and we headed straight over to the venue, The Beat Bar in Kowloon, where before long Charles whose stag do it was and the rest of the blokes showed up.
I made my Hong Kong debut in front of 15 pissed up ex-pats and 4 bemused bar staff, to whom I explained, “This is entertainment in England, people really like it.” So far I have no photos of this performance but apparently one of the blokes took some so I’ll stick them up when I get them.
It may be a while as the bloke was last seen in Macau on 24
th February at 6am getting a lapdance off a ladyboy.

In the meantime here’s some random pics from Hong Kong:
Don’t you hate that when you go half way round the world and your picture looks
worse than something you could have done in 10 minutes on Photoshop
I might look like a vagrant but at least this one looks like I was actually there
Do you ever feel like your life is at a crossroads? Mike?
Hur hur hur hur hur.
Chopsticks, egg foo yung, chopsticks. Is that racist?
If Buddha wants to rock the Swastika chic look then Buddha can rock the Swastika chic look.
You know how it is, you fall asleep on the last bus home and end up in Mong Kok.


I start my Adelaide shows on Sunday night but have a couple of random comedy club
gigs before then, starting tomorrow…
Laters,
Kunt
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02/03/2013

I did my first ever Australian slot last night, at a comedy club I mean, not the hairy kind you get on
abbywinters.com

It was at Shaggers (also at The Austral where I am on) run by Nik Coppin of ‘Nik Coppin is not racist’ fame, except having spoken to him quite a bit in the few days since I got here it turns out that he is, and a massive one at that. I won’t tell you the kind of thing he says when offstage, except to say the punchlines to the jokes he told in the bar afterwards were ‘Sweets’, ‘So blind men can hate them too’ and ‘Take your foot off his head’.

At Shaggers I was first on and did Wank Fantasy, Shaven Haven and I Sucked Off A Bloke. It went down alright, one particular favourite reaction was the lady in the third row having a terrible time whose husband was trying not to visibly enjoy himself in a misguided act of marital solidarity, and a couple of times sort of laughed into his hand as if it was a cough. Living a lie!
My Australian debut at Shaggers, pic by Alex Petty.

Shaggers yesterday was a good show all round, great audience and notable for UK comedian Eric’s good value soggy biscuit-esque submarine story and New York comedienne Abigoliah Schamaun singling out two black blokes in the audience and offering them a three way.
Me, Nik Coppin, Abilgoliah Schauman and Eric after Shaggers.
My new best mate and undisputed king of the Noel-Edmonds-a-likes, Eric.
Today I did the Afternoon Comedy Showcase, also at the Austral. The afternoon gigs are a bit of a lottery sometimes, the crowd can be a bit dry compared to the evening. My first ever gig at Edinburgh Fringe was an afternoon showcase where the crowd were not dry in the literal sense. It was pissing down with rain outside so people came in to the show for shelter and I played to 40 drenched middle-aged shoppers who looked like they were having the longest 10 minutes of their life as one by one a little bit of them died inside.

Luckily today’s  afternoon gig went a bit better than that one, despite my new bit at the start where I spend 5 minutes explaining what Wotsits and Quavers are being met with puzzled silence. I did Chips Or Tits, Bangers and Mash (where I spend another 5 minutes explaining what bangers are), after I googled ‘sausage Australia’ and found the Aussies call them ‘snags’’. I finished up with I Sucked Off A Bloke. On the whole people were laughing along guiltily, which is fine by me. The afternoon always feels a bit early for mentions of building site fellatio.

Tonight’s Shaggers did not fare so well. It was an audience reasonable in numbers but quiet in reaction. It did feel at times a bit like they might have all mistakenly ended up in a show called Shaggers and been too polite to mention they’d rather be at home tucked up on the sofa away from comedians talking candidly about rutting, fudding and bukkake. There was a general struggle for laughs from all the acts so I didn’t feel too bad watching half the audience wishing that my 10 minutes could all just be over. I know that expression well, it was the same one my ex-girlfriend had whenever we were having it off. I did the same set as last night (Wank Fantasy, Shaven Haven, I Sucked Off A Bloke). To be fair to them the other of the audience half laughed along, albeit guiltily again, but also very quietly. There were no walk-outs but as Nik Coppin did his closing waffle It did feel a bit like a couple staying together just for the kids’ sake and as soon as they were old enough we would go our separate ways. Roll on tomorrow!
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03/03/2013

Today was a fuckin rush, I met my old mate from Essex Chris Nine Nobs who lives out here now and his mate Dan and we spent all day at the Clipsal which as an event is like the old Thurrock Donkey Derby except instead of racing donkeys for an afternoon they race fuckoff fast cars for 4 days, and instead of tombola stalls where you can win a goldfish they have tents where you can buy cans of beer for 6 quid. And instead of families from the local area it’s attended by a hundred thousand rednecks who look like they wouldn’t think twice about murdering you and raping the corpse.
In the evening I did a 10 minute spot at Dan Willis’s best of British which went really well - I just did Chips or Tits and Bangers and mash and spent the other 5 minutes explaining what Wotsits and Quavers are and explaining that in England we call sausages ‘bangers’. The internet reliably informs me that the equivalent word in Australia is ‘snag’.
After that I jogged back round to the Austral and did Shaggers where the Sunday night Audience was smaller than Saturday but much more up for a laugh. The others on were John Burgos (who was the annoying devil in Australia’s Balls Of Steel) and Trevor Crook.
At Shaggers with the imaginary Freemans catalogue open
at page 496, Ladies Underwear. Please note the debut of
my new favourite football shirt: CF Benidorm.
After Shaggers I did my first show which was pretty well attended and went really well. The majority in there had never seen us before but there were a couple of people who had caught us up at Rebellion including one bloke who brought his mate, his missus, his daughter and his missus’s sister along, none of who looked like they had a terrible time, believe it or not. Having seen that I’m gonna start doing a family discount.
The only photo I’ve seen of my first show so far.
I think at this point I was trying to explain Swiss assisted suicide clinics.
Dan, me and 9 nobs!

Ended up out drinking until 5am which wasn’t the greatest idea for a 10am start the next day.
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04/03/2013

I’ve had a bit of a torrid time today and have some advice for anyone coming to Australia for the first time. If you’re going to visit the quirky little German settlement of Hahndorf on the bus and decide to stop off at a reasonably nice pub restaurant strangely full of MILFs for a swift mid-journey pint, I would recommend staying off the Aussie pear cider.
Two pints of it and I spent the rest of the day shitting through the eye of a needle as did 2 other members of the party who also partook. I ended up cutting short the trip to come back to the hotel so I could be within 20 yards of a toilet at all times. Never in my life has the phrase “Can’t trust a fart” been more apt.

By early evening I felt a bit better and had nothing left to evacuate so went and did Dan Willis’s Best Of British show to a bit of a mixed response . It was alright, you can’t win ‘em all. I came back and did my own show where the crowd were mostly Aussies and a few Brits and were quietly appreciative. Post show My mate Chris Nine Nobs made sure I got a photo opportunity with a local ex-pat who we thought had moved on elsewhere.
Me and the good doctor Shipman.
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05/03/2013

You’ll be pleased to know I’m back on the solids. Spent most of the lady lounging around on the lovely beach in Glenelg. The water is lovely and clear so you can keep a good eye out for potential shark attacks and if you spot one position yourself just the other side of the kid on a lilo. As it turns out the Adelaide fringe is actually a beach holiday and massive piss up with minor inconvenience of a couple of gigs in the evening!
I did a couple of 10 minute spots - one at Willis’s Best Of The Fringe early show about 6ish and the other at the Austral’s 8.45 show. Both were well busy rooms with it being Cheap Tuesday, known locally as ‘tight-arse Tuesday’, and the stuff went down really well, especially my opening gambit about the cheesy corn snacks which by the end of the festival could end up being an hour long show about crisps.
In my own show at 11 there were only 8 people despite selling 12 advance tickets. I chewed this over with the audience and came to the conclusion word must be getting round locally already, and those other 4 thought ‘fuck it, I’d rather waste 15 dollars than an hour of my life sitting through that’.
The 8 people were good value and I brought up the subject of awkwardness early to help put everyone at ease but when you mention the word ‘awkward’ it just reminds everyone of awkwardness and makes matters worse, so that was fun to keep doing it every 10 minutes or so. There were 2 latecomers, a couple of pissed up meatheads who came in 15 minutes in and wanted an argument about everything I was saying which was a bit irritating for a while until I managed to see them off by explaining who Jimmy Savile was and explaining in fairly graphic detail what he did when he visited sick disabled children in hospital. As they got up to leave one of them said, “I’m involved with a disabled people’s charity, I won’t sit here and listen to you saying things about disabled people.” I did try to explain that he’d got the wrong end of the stick, that if anything Jimmy was an equal opportunities paedo, which for the 70s was pioneering, but he just wasn’t having it. You can’t please all the people all the time.

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06/03/2013

Fuck me it’s hard work out here. Had a quick stop at the offy (out here they don’t know what an offy is so you have to call it a ‘liquor store’) then down the beach at Henley with racist comedian Nik Coppin and Alex who sorts out the Free Fringe in Edinburgh and who runs the venue here.
I don’t care, I don’t care, I don’t care if he comes round here
I’ve got my beer in the red bag here, etc.
I don’t know why this picture looks so romantic, Nik was actually telling a racist joke at the time.
Note Nik’s folded arm posture designed to hide 3 weeks of late night pizza at San Giorgios.
When we got back I did 10 minutes at the 8.45 compilation show where the audience were very quiet for the other comedians and even quieter when I was on. Stern! For my main show at 11pm, there was a decent turnout despite there only being 3 tickets sold in advance, a good walk up on the door meant the show was good fun. I sense 11pm is definitely too late to start in Adelaide after I had the second audience member fall asleep in 4 days, and his missus who  was having the longest hour of her life had to sit and get increasingly disgruntled on her own! On the plus side 2 Adelaide punks and their metaller mate in the front row stuck around for a beer afterwards and it transpires one of them does a metal show on community radio on a Monday afternoon and is gonna try and get me on there. I can sense come Monday evening a certain young man will have in his hand the Australian equivalent of a P45.

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08/03/2013

This is what happened with every diary I ever tried to keep, you miss a couple of days, try and remember what you did but not put it down in as much detail and then just think, ‘oh fuck it’.

I did 2 comedy club gigs on Thursday and another 2 today (Friday). The average age of the audience was well up on Thursday and seeing a few pensioners in the crowd was ever so slightly worrying but at the first show they went along with it and it was a really good one, then that was balanced out by the stony silence in the second show. Awkward. Today’s panned out pretty much the same way. I’ve had a little re-jig of the 10 minute set so I’m now doing Bangers and Mash, Wank Fantasy and I Sucked Off A Bloke, which seems to make the good gigs better and the bad ones worse!

While I think of it, it seems we had a lucky escape at the beach the other day, from this picture that has emerged:
I think that happened after Nik came loose of his shorts. I’m not being racist but I think the shark must have thought it was a manatee stuck in shallow waters.
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09/03/2013

Today was the best day of shows I’ve had so far. No stinkers at all! Audiences were up and up for it with it being Saturday. I did Dan Willis’s Best Of British then Shaggers, which was so packed there were people standing at the back and sides. It was so fucking hot I was sweating like Kevin Webster in a creche. I just got on stage and the girl sat to my left next to the fan gave me a bit of lip so I asked her not to waft her skirt around to keep cool because with her being next to the fan, every time she did so I got a faint whiff of fannies. It wasn’t unpleasant, just a bit off-putting when you’re trying to remember your words. Shaggers went scarily well, having died on my arse there yesterday.
Saturday Shaggers - my best one yet. Maybe should think of quitting while I’m ahead


After the show and before my main show I popped upstairs to get changed to find the fan/fanny woman from the Shaggers front row and her chum wandering around upstairs in the creepy corridors of the hotel, getting themselves spooked about ghosts. So I spooked them up a bit further then said goodbye. I snuck round the other way and hid behind a wall waiting for them to come round the dark corner. As they came round the corner in the dark I jumped out on them shouting AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGHHHH!
They shit their fucking pants and one actually had to go straight in the toilet. Made my night!

My own show was also the best one yet, had my first full room and the crowd was raucous but in a good way, and the one lady who was having a terrible time even pretended to enjoy it after I singled her out and made an example of her. Good night all round!
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10/03/2013

Today I did Dan Willis’s 6.15 Pick of the Fringe, the 8.15 Comedy Show at the Austral and then Shaggers at 9.45. Managed to get away with 3 10 minute spots without dying on my arse once. I am still opening with Bangers and Mash, followed by Wank Fantasy and I Sucked Off A Bloke, apart from Shaggers where Shaven Haven is still in the mix.

At my 11pm show, right on cue at the end of Chips Or Tits I was very pleasantly surprised to get a gift given to me by a lady audience member…
Here in South Australia there is a chain of poundstore-type shops called ‘Cheap As Chips’ and this cuddly toy is their mascot, except on this occasion the lady has lovingly modified it with an arousingly accurate pair of mammaries. And as a bonus there’s just enough space to get them either side of my old boy.
Today was Dan Willis’s 40th birthday. I got him a chocolate Freddo egg from Target, the high quality department store. I bought it at 4.30 so the choice was to take it ito the park in the 38 degree heat for an hour and a half or leave it upstairs at the Austral hotel. I figured the park would be cooler, having woke up here in the Austral every morning having marinaded in my own juices for 6 hours.
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11/03/2013

I mentioned the other day this bloke called Adam said I could come on his radio show Mondayitis on Adelaide’s 3D Community Radio so that’s where I went this afternoon. We had a good laugh and it was nice to play a few tunes and have a relaxed chat without Mike being there getting slowly wankered out the corner of my eye and touting for voiceover work. There’s no censorship issues on £D so I got to play a few of my own songs and pick a few others so played a bit of Madness, Ian Dury and the Inspirals, as well as sneaking The Macc Lads’ Turtles Heads onto the playlist. I’m getting a copy of it so will make it available to download when I do.
Weird concrete cock and bollocks in the park.

I played Dan’s 6.15 Pick of the Fringe, then his 8.30 Best Of British, then did my 11pm show to 6 people, which was surprisingly not as awkward as you might imagine. I was accosted after the show and before I headed off to Dan’s birthday drinks by by local ’face’, the pleasant-but-gobby-charity-working-Pat-Wicks-a-like Lyla Popov.
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12/03/2013

Today I went down to Glenelg beach with Alex, Nick and their mate Kath. It was fucking scorching, but there was till no need for this 70 year old bloke to rock up in the smallest, most offensive piece of swimwear I have ever seen. It was bright red and like one of those little pouch bags with a drawstring that jewels come in, but rather than precious stones it contained an old bloke’s cock and bollocks. Fucking nasty. And he completed the outfit with a hi visibility bib as if to say ‘Warning: I could come loose at any minute’. Fucked. Up.
Naked from the waist down . Nasty old bastard.

We had a bit of lunch down there as well, and I was pleased to notice my songs are filtering into everyday life here…
When we got back I went and did Dan Willis’s Best Of British show which was good fun then got back to the Austral to find only one lady and one bloke had turned up so I had to cancel my first show. Some people might say this was because of the limited appeal of my stuff, and another school of thought might be that had I spent the day flyering and promoting the show rather than lounging around on the beach taking short videos of an OAP in budgie smugglers then I might have had an audience. I’ll take that on board…

So having got finished early for the night we ended up having a beer and some jolly japes.
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13/03/2013

First review in for the show - he gives us 9/10 even though the review reads like a public health warning!

http://www.fiveaa.com.au/article_adelaide-fringe-review-k-nt-and-the-gang_114555

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14/03/2013

Missed a couple of days blogging, been doing the same shows mostly and they’ve been going alright which always gives you less to write about. Been some good reactions, some with slightly older crowds and even been dropping in ‘Let’s Send Nan To Dignitas’ to some of the 10 minute spots.

Also this married English woman called Hev who came to a show and whose husband is away working keeps sending me photos of her smoking the cock , like this one:
I sent her this photo back:
Me and Australia’s Annoying Devil, John Burgos. ‘Fur’ to his friends, ‘Turd’ to his detractors.
it’s pretty subtle but gives her fair warning of what to expect if / when she ends up licking my love pump.

In the meantime here’s some other pics:
Think I might have overdone the beach time. My Asian lookalike and Vlad McTavish.
Mullet-bonced Aussie hit singer and legend Chris Franklin and me downstairs at the Austral.
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15/03/2013

Tonight was, as Kiss would say a crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy night. 2 weeks of Dan Willis’s nagging on my behalf paid off when Irish comedy magician Paddy put us on his ‘Best Of Fringe Variety’ show. The show opened with 2 hula hoop birds and it was variety in the truest sense of the word as one of them was well worth a squirt and the other one I wouldn’t be that fussed about giving one. I was on third and before me, in the most bizarre / genius / mentalist / ill-advised bit of scheduling I’ve ever seen, was a 10 year old child magician who spent 15 minutes trying to get out of a straightjacket whilst pulling funny faces at the audience. Think Macauley Culkin attempting to escape from Fritzl’s cellar with less rape and you’re half way there.
To exacerbate matters further there were 2 little girls in the front row with a combined age of about 7. Paddy managed to save their childhood by giving them a bit of bubble wrap to play with while I was on, then introduced me as “…and the Gang”. When I went on I suggested the kids hold the bubble wrap a bit closer to their ears. As it turned out I didn’t completely die on my arse and the awkwardness of the whole scenario sort of made it work so I banged out Bangers and Mash and whacked off Wank Fantasy and legged it out the back door before anyone could throw any fruit.

I made it to Willis’s Best of British in time to do one of the best received 10 minutes of my Fringe so far. Then I  made my way to the Austral where my 11 O’clock show was well busy, making up for some thin ones in the week. It was fairly eventful as well, as I dug out another lady who was having a terrible time and made her pretend to enjoy it, ejected a drunk, borderline sociopathic audience member and swiftly dispatched a heckler who wasn’t even in the room at the time (He was on the balcony outside the room and stuck his head through to tell us he thought it wasn’t funny. Luckily he was wearing his baseball cap on backwards and rocking the Brian Harvey with Downs Syndrome look so I had plenty to work with.

Phew! Night night.
Ticket board outside the Fringe caravan, in the esteemed company of Mr. Sanazi
Fucksticks, mother’s crepe.
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17/03/2013

Blimey what a fucking whirlwind the last couple of days have been.
Yesterday I did 10 minutes at Dan Willis’s final Best Of British which had a great last night atmosphere, then ran over to play to the Comedy Pub Crawl crowd at Producers Bar, which considering there was no stage so I was stood on a small flimsy table could have ended tragically but was actually one of the highlights of the week, with 150 people all getting it, including one ex-pat from Stanford-Le-Hope!
The Adelaide Fringe finished tonight, and I had my busiest day with 6 shows today, 2 lots of 10 minutes downstairs at the Austral, 2 lots upstairs at the Austral, then my full show upstairs and Marcel LuCont’s late cabaret to wrap it all up on a high.
Just when I thought things had  ended on a peak I managed to squeeze out another climax by winning Adelaide Fringe’s most prestigious alternative award, The Jenny Birks Award which was presented at the closing party at the Tuxedo Cat venue.
To the K, to the U, to the N, to the T
Me and Jenny Birks with my award. (Yes, to the untrained eye it might look like an empty water bottle with MOIST written on it superglued to a square of MDF)

As it transpired, it was a newcomer award for the best use of the word ‘moist’, referring to a comment I made in a late night beer and pizza session incident that briefly silenced an annoying opinionated bird. Following this success in Adelaide, next year I have vowed to not return with a show but instead hang around late night eateries making sarky asides.

Sadly the fringe did not end on that perfect note.
For future reference, if you think a pub doorman looks like Simon Cowell, I would suggest keeping it to yourself.

So sadly that’s Adelaide Fringe over, there were some small crowds in the week and some big crowds at weekends and mostly had a proper good time. A week and a bit and we’ll be in Melbourne. Speak soon.

Cheers 8===3 - - -
Kunt
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25/03/2013

Got into Melbourne tonight. We did a road trip, just me and Little Kunt taking in the sights along the Great Ocean Road.
Along the way we have managed to tick off all the Australian wildlife in roadkill form, having seen a dead kangaroo, possum, koala, kookaburra and as a special treat when we stopped off at a beach, a dead penguin. Still yet to see a dead pelican but then I suppose that’s less likely as they get their own crossings.

One stop off we made was at the Petrified Forest. It is a massive area on the coast covered by weird rock craters that look like tree stumps.
Occasionally you get one that looks less like a tree stump than the others.
This picture first appeared in The Thing from the Fantastic Four’s wankmag collection.

When we got to Melbourne we flew up to Brisbane for the weekend.
On Saturday night my mate Chris 9Nobs drove us up to a little town called Pomona on the Sunshine Coast where I played in the kitchen of this bloke called Luke to 6 very drunk ex-pats, who I suspect will have to piece together details of the evening from pics and videos they took on their phones. They also managed to get me pissed before I started which meant I didn’t manage to successfully complete any of their requests which were out of my current set. Proper pro, me.

On the way up there we stopped at Australia Zoo for a photo opp with Australia’s answer to Princess Di.
You think that croc’s wild Steve? You should try picking up Little Kunt after he’s had 3 WKD blues.

In my final day in Brisbane I spent the day with my other Brisbane mate, former controversial Essex DJ Billy Whiff. Him and his missus took us to Moreton Island which is a bit like what you would imagine paradise to be, and beach-wise probably just gets the nod over Clacton, Walton and Jaywick Sands. When he suggested we round off a smashing day off drawing a 50 foot cock on the sandbank I didn’t need asking twice.
As the ferry pulled away from the island and passengers tried to stop their kids pointing at our enormous sand wang you couldn’t help but feel that sense of satisfaction you get from a job well done.
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26/03/2013

I did my first show in Melbourne tonight, a one off in Dane Certificate’s Magic, Gags and Theatre, a weird little theatre venue / magic and joke shop hidden away in a unit out the back of a computer shop in Brunswick, north of Melbourne. It was intimate, as many of my midweek shows have been, but unusually out of the dozen or so people there I didn’t notice anyone having the longest night of their entire life. It was a really nice way to start off my Melbourne jaunt, everyone made us feel proper welcome.
Now you see him, now you don’t.
Dane Certificate makes his creepy Eastern European Michael Jackson mask disappear.

After the show I met Dan Willis and Chris Franklin in the bar downstairs of the hostel where I’m staying. There was karaoke on and I managed to persuade Willis’s bird Erin to get up and sing the Divinyls’ I Touch Myself, which she did complete with graphic fudding actions in the middle 8. Alex Petty arrived late on and when the bar shut at 3 me and Alex got roped in to going out drinking with Chris Franklin. We ended up round the Exford hotel, I have vague recollections of playing pool with the doormen and after that it gets a bit sketchy. When me and Alex called a night on it in a late night Greek restaurant about 5 O clock Chris was calling us a pair of pussies and going on somewhere else.
I had a small midweek crowd for the opening show but all went reasonably well. There were all Aussies in the front row, 4 blokes and 2 girls, and my favourite reaction was one of the girls who watched the whole show through her fingers and went between laughing squeamishly and looking genuinely horrified.

Before the show I warmed up with a couple of 10 minute spots at Dan Willis’s Best of the Fringe early show (at the Exford hotel) and the Aaaaargh comedy show, both of which went alright without me pulling up any trees.

Finished the night by meeting Mixed Racist comedian Nik Coppin for a few beers and went on to Stalactites (the late night Greek restaurant where we ended up last night… ) where I attempted to shake off that ‘crass misogyny’ label from last years Edinburgh review and do my bit for feminism with my choice of beers.
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27/03/2013

Woke up late morning feeling somewhat the worse for wear. That feeling carried on most of the day until I started my own shows this evening at the Sahara bar.

On the way in I bumped into John Burgos, the Annoying Devil!
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28/03/2013

Again today I did a couple of 10 minute spots at Dan Willis’s Best of the Fringe early show and the Aaaaargh show, again both of which went alright without me pulling up any trees.

In my 10.30 show at Sahara, there was a row of Europeans in, from Holland, Germany and I can’t remember where else. One of the German blokes was wearing a pink foam skull cap with pigs ears on and it transpired this was because it was his birthday. He really had a terrible time. I did my best to jolly him along but he just wasn’t having any of it. I even dedicated Fucksticks to him and got him to tell me what the German for ‘mother’s cunt’ is. Eventually he managed to crack a smile when I sang “Fickensticks, mutter’s fotze, fickensticks” but that was the high point. I ended up telling him his mates knew he wouldn’t enjoy it and they’d all brought him there on his birthday because they all think he’s a cunt. That didn’t make matters any better, but I liked it.

After a few beers again finished the night in Stalactites (so named because of their dodgy artex stipple job on the ceiling) with Alex and Nik where needless to say there was more hilarious banter with the waitress who insisted my choice of beer was pronounced ‘veer-jin-a’ which prompted a chorus of “You say ‘veer-jin-a’ , I say vergina”, etc. etc.
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01/04/2013

Turned a bit of a corner with my main show in the last couple of days, had some good shows audience reaction-wise and numbers-wise. Saturday night was the best one so far, had a really nice crowd in. Sunday’s started off slower but ended up finishing on a roll. As I did my opening gambit there was a middle aged couple sat at the front and the woman was stabbing at the ice in her glass with a straw which was more than a bit distracting. I told her that her prodding like that was making me imagine her sticking it down her husband’s jap’s eye. She looked a bit like she might get angry but I diffused the situation by blaming the internet. I explained it wasn’t my fault, the things the internet has made us watch has made things like that pop into our minds.
The 10 minute spots have been going really well. I’m definitely due a fucking stinker of one. When you start to think you’ve got the keys to comedy to let yourself in and out at will it always creeps up and bites you on the arse and says, ‘sorry mate, we’ve changed the locks’.

Today was a day off so I went out for a bit of grub lunchtime to the weirdest place. It was called the Cuckoo, is up in the hills an hour outside Melbourne and is sort of a German-themed restaurant with bizarre holiday camp entertainment of a bloke singing to people’s tables accompanied by an old beardy bloke on a squeezebox. It was like visiting Hahndorf after having shoved a couple of trips up your arsehole (the skin’s a lot thinner there).
Now you don’t see Bulmer’s, now you do.
They can work their cider up themselves, I’m drinking Kopparberg from now on.

Bulmer’s needn’t have worried, our poster only lasted 1 day outside the venue before the owner took it down after someone apparently complained. It’s causing me so many problems I seriously do think I’m going to have to reconsider my act’s name. Gangs have such a bad name these days, I blame Gary Glitter. If I change the name I want something that sounds new and exciting so I’m toying with ‘Fresh Kunts’.
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29/03/2013

Had my best show of the Melbourne festival so far today at Best of British matinee show. Normally 3.30 in the afternoon feels a bit early for it but there were 150 in and they were well up for it. I saw Geordie comedian Kai Humphries there who looked like a shadow of his usual self. Turns out he got Franklined last night.

Smallish crowd in my show tonight and quite hard work but got through it without anyone dying, before it I went and flyered the Rubberbandits queue just up the road and the doorman came up almost straight away, so I’m thinking ‘Oh fucking hell, I’ve only been here a minute and I’m getting moved on’, but it turns out he’d seen us in the Festival guide and is coming to see the show next week! I ended up doing photos with him and his boss, and it was only then did I realise Max and Paddy off Phoenix nights are in fact alive and well and running the door in Melbourne.

There’s a weird thing happened with Bulmer’s cider. Bulmer’s have sponsored all the other acts at the venue apart from us. Their logo is on all the other acts posters and flyers and not on ours! I don’t know exactly why this is but I can only assume they don’t want to be associated with the word ‘gang’.

Further to this I noticed on our big A2 poster that it contained a weird black square which turned out to be masking tape. When I peeled it off it seems that the poster accidentally got printed with the Bulmer’s logo on and so someone has covered it up with masking tape.
Too much fun in the Cuckoo

This afternoon we went out to see some kangaroos in the wild, which was fucking mental. Until I saw them  I’m not sure if I believed they properly existed, a bit like unicorns. Or asthma.
Tonight I ended up getting up on the Monday night open spot at the Melbourne Backpackers Hostel bar to do I Sucked Off A Bloke, Shaven Haven (for Coppin and Alex Petty’s benefit, they hadn’t heard it for over a week and were getting withdrawal symptoms) and finishing on Bangers And Mash. It mostly went surprisingly well, there were a few grumpy faces but I dug them out and made them at least pretend to enjoy it.
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03/04/2013

I reached a happy compromise with my big poster outside the venue. They said I could have it back up if I asterisked out the kunt word. So it’s back up.
It was then pointed out I’d missed one of the little kunts out so I had to make a little asterisk to stick over there as well, in case anyone with bionic vision walked past and got offended.
Several people asked me if I had anything to do with the ‘addition to fellow act J-Mac’s poster in the gent’s bog. It wasn’t me this time though I can see why they might have thought that.
Ended up out with Chris Franklin again tonight and I managed to capture this beautiful moment. This wasn’t posed, he was pissed enough to not notice as I scrambled for my phone and took a photo. He said he does this every time he passes the strange, spindly bronze commuter statues on Swanston Street to do a homeless person a turn.
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11/04/2013

The numbers have picked up for my show, had a couple of nights with 50 odd in and feels like word of mouth has been getting it out there a bit. Also been getting some surprisingly consistent good reactions from the 10 minute comedy club spots.
Setlist for Aussie shows, I’ve dropped You’re A Pervert because the show runs to about an hour without it. I have only played Pissed Out Of My Head once as an encore and finished on Wanking Over A Pornographic Polaroid all the other nights

Also I’ve been jumping up a few nights and doing a few songs at the late show in the bar downstairs at the Exford. It’s a much different dynamic to the other shows, the bar is well noisy and the crowd is pissed out of their heads so you have to be a bit more in your face to get yourself heard. It’s a good challenge and have had people singing along every now and then, especially to Bangers And Mash. I’ve been wheeling a few different songs out for that as well, I did I’m Gonna Lick You Out and Wank The Dog the other night. I got tipped off beforehand that they don’t have Marigolds in Australia so in Wank The Dog I had to change ‘Marigold’ for ‘rubber glove’ - foresight!
The Exford in the daytime. It’s on the edge of Chinatown so there’s noodles aplenty.
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08/04/2013

The shows have been going really well, had some quiet numbers in the week with weekends a bit busier. Every day before my show at 10.30 I’ve been doing the 6.15 early Festival showcase at the Exford hotel and Alex Petty’s Aaaaargh Festival Show at 7pm at the Red Violin.

Today we went out to Ramsay Street! I don’t want to spoil the magic but it’s a proper real life cul-de-sac called Pin Oak Court. It was beyond surreal to be stood there in front of Harold Bishops house and getting to peer through the Kennedy’s window in an attempt to see Libby’s beef curtains.
Ramsay Street!
Paul’s house!

If you are not interested in plot spoilers then stop reading now. I think I have inadvertently uncovered a future plotline, where evil Paul Robinson dupes the residents of Ramsay Street into thinking their lemons are ready to pick before they actually are.
The lemon tree on Ramsay Street.
“Yum, those lemons look nice.” Says Harold, approaching the tree.
“Oh no, I’ve been duped,” says Harold, “it turns out the yellow lemons are all fake. That will be that evil Paul Robinson what did that. The green ones are real, mind, but they aren’t ready to be picked yet. D’oh. What am I going to put in Madge’s G and T now?”
Cue the music. Credits roll
I half inched a lemon off Ramsay Street.

Luckily Kai Humphries replaced it with a plum.
I had such a smashing time visiting Ramsay Street the only way it could get better was by finishing off the day with a homo-erotically named ice cream.
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18/04/2013

Fuck, it’s hard to keep a blog when people keep getting you pissed every night. I’m back home now in Essex after a fuck up on Air China that kept us at Beijing Airport for 13 hours! I got so bored it made me go all Larry David and I ended up in the Lost Property office talking to the lady behind the counter about whether she saw the Lost Property office as a long term career prospect (she didn’t, but said it quietly so her boss didn’t hear). It was something of a marathon journey home, or would that be a Snickers journey these days?

The last week in Melbourne fucking flew by, my shows were really well attended for the last week with crowds who seemed to know roughly what to expect, and that’s half the battle. I got into a good rhythm with the 10 minute comedy club sets I was doing at the Exford and the Red Violin and only the last day (Sunday) at the Exford early show did I have an absolute stinker. There were some harsh faced ladies in the crowd so I changed my setlist and played them Shaven Haven which, as I suspected, didn’t help matters. I was happy to leave it there but Geoff Boyz and Tom Binns’s mischief making made me stay on for another song despite most of the audience wishing I’d just fuck off! The same day I’d played at the Comedy Ashes at the Exford, where 4 Aussie comics take on 4 English comics and the audience laughs get turned into run scores. We won on that occasion, largely thanks to Tom Binns’s hospital radio DJ Ivan Brackenbury, leaving the series poised at 2-2 ahead of next weekend’s decider. For my last show on the Sunday night I snuck ‘Paul Stephenson’s Party’ into the setlist. The crowd were great and even my starting drinking at the Comedy Ashes at 1.30 in the afternoon couldn’t fuck it up. A proper good send off!

So that’s it all done. I’m looking forward to next year already and hoping that I’ll also get to do some shows in Sydney, Brisbane and Perth. So much can happen in 8 weeks, I’ve come back to find out Thatcher’s dead and Rolf’s a paedo. Who’d have thought it; we sent our crims over there but it turns out they got their own back.

Till next year, thanks for having us Australia, but one thing…
That’s not a pint… THIS is a pint.