We get asked the same questions quite a lot so have decided to try and nip it off by answering them here before they're asked again.
Please check the list before dropping us a line and/or wandering up pissed out of your head...
1. Where's Little Kunt?
He's having a little nap backstage. I put some ground up sleeping tablets in his pre-packed sandwich so I can get some peace and quiet.
2. Is that your real hair?
Yes. Me and Little Kunt both get our hair cut locally in Basildon. They do a range of traditional and modern styles and for the more discerning customer there's a private room out the back where the Saturday girl will wank you off with a finger up your arse.
3. What are you doing with that old car tyre?
I'm making a rimming stool.
4. Where was your first wank?
My first wank was over Jack Meadows. It's a field in Pitsea, not the DCI from the Bill.
5. Can I have my photo taken with you?
Yes of course but for fuck's sake learn how to use the camera on your mate’s phone first so I'm not stood here like a helmet for ten minutes.
6. Will you sign my tits / arse / cock / bollocks, etc.?
I have a strict policy that I only sign ladies’ body parts after some bloke asked me to sign his arse cheek one time and just as my pen touched his cheek he farted and followed through. It was fucking disgusting. Since then I have refused to sign blokes’ cocks, blokes’ bollocks and blokes’ arseholes. And don’t think you’ve found a loophole by trying to get me to do that bit in between your bollocks and your arsehole because I’m not doing that either.
7. Is your mum really Audrey Roberts from Coronation Street?
Yes, we get our prodigious talent from her and me old man. If we were going to lie about it, we'd have chosen a more rootable milf like Helen Mirren or Susan Kennedy off Neighbours.
8. What is that little bit of clear stuff that comes your japs’ eye when you’ve had a stiffy
for a while?
9. When are you going to come and play in (enter name of your town here)?
Unfortunately we call up promoters and say we're called 'Kunt and the Gang' they never seem that keen to book us. Funny that.
If you want us to play in your town the best thing you can do is nag the promoter of your local pub/ small band venue to check out our videos here, at which point he'll be able to see our immense talent for himself and will book us up and probably arrange for there to be naked girls in our dressing room who will kiss me on the nib.
10. When caught by the police, which sex act were you performing whilst driving