Upsetting squares and making ladies moist 2003 - 2016
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Weren't The 80s wonderful? Blokes in make-up, Thatcher, racism and AIDS. Happy Days.

Back in the day, the people of Essex had their own slang that derived from their roots in London's East End and has since been lost in the mists of time.

Me and Little Kunt are on a one and a half man crusade to bring it back into people's everyday language.

Adam Ants – Pants
”I had a dickie belly in the pub, let one go and shat meself. I went in the bogs and hid me Adams down the back of the cistern.”

Alexander O’Neal – Steal
”Bollocks, it’s mum’s birthday and I’m skint. I’m gonna have to Alex O’Neal a bunch of flowers from a petrol station forecourt.”

Auf Wiedersehen Pet – Vet
“Me dog’s having a bit of trouble with the old anal glands so I took him to the Auf Wiedersehen who stuck a finger up his arse.”

 

Belinda Carlisle – Tile
”You coming out this weekend?”
“I can’t mate, I’ve gotta
Belinda the bathroom to get in the wife’s good books.”

Blackadder – Ladder
“They say it’s bad luck to walk under a Blackadder and they’d be right. Last time I did it some prick dropped a pot of paint on me head and ruined me snood.”

Boy George – Forge
”I lost me fuckin’ bank card and when me statement came through some cunt must have Boy Georged me signature and got 48 quid’s worth of petrol.”

Brat Pack – Sack
“I got the Brat Pack from me job for Alexing from the stationery cupboard.”

Breakfast Club – Pub
“When the Breakfast chucks out it’s all back to mine to crack open a Watney’s Party Seven.”

Bronski Beat – Feet
See Howard Jones

Bucks Fizz – Whizz
”I took a gram of Bucks Fizz on Saturday night and was up til half past five in the morning wanking my tiny bullet.”

Club Tropicana – Banana

”Uncle Mick is going down the Hammers to see ‘em play Watford at the weekend. He’s bought a big bag of Clubs to lob at John Barnes.”

Darryl Hall and John Oates - Coats
“I’m not stopping where I’m not welcome. Go and fetch our Darryl and Johns, Shirley.”

Dead Or Alives – Chives
“The secret to Lil’s potato salad is she uses salad cream instead of mayonnaise and a handful of Dead Or Alives out of her garden.”

Depeche Mode – Load
“I had a fantastic night Saturday. I went back to that bird’s house and did my Depeche on her Smash Hits.”

Different Strokes – Blokes
”Sorry Love, you can’t have one of me extra strong mints. They’re for Differents only.”

Duran Duran – Tan
“I’m off for a fortnight in Benidorm in August. I’m gonna come back with a lovely Duran Duran.”

 

Eddie Grant – Can’t
“I’ve got a whitehead on me back, can you squeeze the bastard for me?”
"No I
Eddie Grant.”

Eighth Wonder – Chunder
“I must have had a dodgy pint Friday night cos me wife found me curled up asleep round the toilet and I’d Eighth Wondered all over the floor.”

Espana ’82 – Poo
“I knew I shouldn’t have gone for that curry last night, it’s only 10.15 and I’m on me third Espana of the day.”

Falklands War – Jaw
“This bloke pushed in front of me in the kebab van queue so I smacked him in the gob and broke his Falklands.”

Fun Boy Three – Knee
“Dave’s had to pack up Sunday League cos of his dodgy Fun Boys.”

Howard Jones – Bones
”Rooney’s out for six weeks cos he’s broken a Howard in one of his Bronskis.”

Keegan’s Perm – Sperm
You can tell he’s one of them cos every time he coughs there’s a faint whiff of Keegan’s.

Kelly LeBrock – Cock
“She knows that was you that nicked her camera and took a photo of your Kelly. She recognised the mole on your shaft.”

Kershaw’s Snood – Good
“Have you seen Rocky 4? It’s proper Kershaw’s.”

Knight Rider – Cider
“Four cans of Tennent’s Super for me and a bottle of super strength Knight Rider for me mate who’s laying in the park in a pool of brown sick.”

Larville Jones – Phones
“My mum always Larvilles when I’m sat on the shitter.”

Lexicon of Love – Glove
“If you’re going to whack off your dog, it’s best to put on a Lexicon or else he might jizz on your hand.”

Love Plus One – Gun
”I was taking a short cut over some waste ground and these three kids in hoodies pulled a fuckin’ Love Plus One on me and made me hand over my wallet, officer.”

Luther Vandross – Toss
“Take back your ball and go in crying then, I couldn’t give a Luther.”

Men Without Hats – Twats
You don’t have to be a complete Men Without to be a member of the Bedingfield family, but it helps.

Mexico ’86 – Twix
See OMD.

Michael Knights – Tights
”I knew there was something funny about the birds in that club, I got me hands down her Michaels and it was a fuckin Different.”

Midge Ure – Sure
“Eye liner on a geezer, are you Midge Ure?”

Mini Pops – Shops
“I’m out of Rizlas, I’m nipping up the Minis.”

Modern Romance – Ants
”For God’s sake will you chuck out your empty Top Deck cans, there’s a line of Moderns going from the back door to your bedroom.”

New Order – Border
“Your grandad’s coming out of hospital on Wednesday, will you go and mow his lawn and weed his New Orders so it’s all nice for when he gets home.”

 

O.M.D. – Tea
”There’s nothing I like more than a cup of OMD and a Mexico.”

Paul Hardcastle - Arsehole
“This bird I met the other night was proper kinky, we was banging away and just as I'm about to offload me Keegan's, she stuck her middle finger up me Paul.”

Paul Young – Stung
“I was enjoying me Rossi on Southend sea front until I got Paul Young by a wasp.”

Planet Earth – Girth
“I might not be blessed with the longest cock on God’s earth but what I lack in length, I make up for in Planet Earth.”

Racial hate – Plate.
“Me nan saved up the coupons from the Daily Mail and got a couple of Racials, one of Princess Di and one with the Queen Mum on.”

Richard Prior – Liar
Simon Marshall reckons he’s seen a stag beetle that was a foot long but he’s a fucking Richard.

Roland Rat – Hat
”He thinks he looks like Pete Doherty in his new Roland but he looks a complete Luther Vandrosser.”

Rubik’s Cubes – Pubes
”Wayne Talbot hasn’t got any Rubik’s. He went indoors to cut some off to prove he had and when he showed us they had highlights just like his hair.”

Samantha Fox – Socks
”Mum, I’m going to see Wham and I can’t find me fluorescent Samanthas anywhere.”

Smash Hits – Tits
See Depeche Mode.

Soft Cell – Well
“The boss sent me home cos I threw up. Little did he know that I’d eaten an Oxo cube to make it happen and hence convey the impression I wasn’t feeling very Soft Cell.”

Spandau Ballet – Chalet
”We was going to have a week in a caravan in Hemsby at Easter but we got one of them Sun holidays and so it worked out cheaper to stay in a Spandau.”

Theme from ’Xpress – Mess
“It’s about time you tidied your room, I don’t know how you can find anything in all this Theme from.”

 

 

 

Take On Me – Pea
“I can’t eat these fucking chips because you’ve covered them in mushy Take On Me’s

Taylor Dayne – Complain
“I had some bloke come up and Taylor Dayne about his burger being cold so I gave him another one with a handful of Rubik’s and a dollop of Keegan’s in.”

Thompson Twins – Bins
”The fucking dustmen are on strike, I haven’t had me Thompsons emptied for a fortnight.”

Timmy Mallet – Pallet
"That prick in the forklift was out on the sauce last night and he's dropped a Timmy of breezeblocks on my cunting toe."

80s RHYMING SLANG